In part 1, found here, I gave an overview of some of the issues surrounding a happy marriage. Today, I want to focus on a specific area of the relationship. I have found through not only my own experience, but through interviews with other husbands and wives that there seems to be one crucial element missing in most relationships. That one thing is respect. Respect is important to both men and women in a relationship, but it has different characteristics for each of them.
1 Peter 3 carries some wisdom for wives about respect and has often been misinterpreted to give a man absolute authority over his wife. Indeed, left on its own, it does appear to do so, but when read in context it does not, in fact, talk as much about authority as it does respect.
1 Peter 3:1 ~ In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words.
Peter starts this verse off “In the same way….” What same way? Well, to find that out, we have to back up a little. Peter actually starts this particular train of thought in chapter 2 when he discusses authority.
1 Peter 2:13-14 ~ For the Lord’s sake, submit to all human authority—whether the king as head of state, or the officials he has appointed.
He carries the thought forward as he discusses slaves. 1 Peter 2:18 ~ You who are slaves must submit to your masters with all respect. Do what they tell you—not only if they are kind and reasonable, but even if they are cruel.
Although we may find it difficult to apply this thought in modern times, the same concept could be applied to us in the area of employment today. Employees must recognize the authority of their employers and give them respect. Not only if they are good and treat you well, but even if they are lousy bosses.
Peter’s main topic here is respect for authority, not just submission. Then he goes on to carry this thought forward from the area of slavery, or employment, to the area of a marriage relationship.
1 Peter 3:1 ~ In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words.
Then in verse 5 he continues…This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.
This is another area that has been taken out of context. Peter is not saying that women should worship their husbands and call them “master” or “lord”. What he is saying is that wives should give their husbands respect. The word that is translated “master” in the verse above is translated as “lord” in the King James version, and is the same word used when Rebecca greets the servant who has been sent to find Isaac a wife.
Genesis 24:17 – 18 ~ Running over to her, the servant said, “Please give me a little drink of water from your jug.” “Yes, my lord,” she answered, “have a drink.”
The word used here could also be translated as “sir” today. It is a sign of respect. Why is this important? Because one of the major needs that a man has is to be respected. And showing respect to their husband is difficult for many women to do.
In Genesis 3 we read that one of the consequences of sin is that the woman “will have the desire to control their husband. But he will have authority over you”. It is in a woman’s nature to control her husband. Now, I recognize that that is an overgeneralization and that not all women desire to control their husbands. But that control is one of the consequences of sin and therefore needs to be recognized as such. How is this demonstrated in a marriage? I’m glad you asked.
Men need some help in life. We don’t think the same way that women do and as a consequence, we often miss it. We need some help. Our wives should be that help. What we don’t need is another mother. Men want a wife, not a mom. I hear this from men frequently—especially young men. If you are a mother, please be the best mother that you can be. To your children. Not to your husband. When a man is treated as a child, he will often begin to act like one, and resent it as well. He may not say anything, or he may get tired of repeating it, but we don’t want to be treated as children. We want to be treated as husbands.
I know we need mothering sometimes. All of us do. We may even act like big babies at times. But mothering a husband never works. Ever. Be their partner. Their best friend. Not their mother. That means that they don’t want to be reprimanded. In fact, criticism is a man’s worst nightmare. When you correct him you hurt him. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t need correcting. He might. But the way you do this is huge. Your respect for him is huge for him. Respect is his greatest emotional need. That could be in how he fixes the bed—or the fact that he doesn’t—or for things far worse.
If a man feels that you are talking down to him—not respecting him—he may do what you ask, but inside his heart will be building resentment. Deep down, all men are like little boys trying to please their wives. They want to please her, and they get a great sense of accomplishment and pride as she looks into their eyes with approval and delight. The one thing that can snuff out their joy in a moment’s notice is to put them down. To notice the things they aren’t doing, aren’t saying, aren’t completing- instead of noticing all of the good things that they are.
In fact, some of the anger that a man displays is often the result of being or feeling disrespected. He may not come right out and say it, But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done or said which he considers disrespectful and humiliating. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want love. It just means that respect is huge in the eyes of men. A man who doesn’t feel respected at home will often try to find respect somewhere else – a business, a hobby or in extreme cases, another woman. This isn’t a rationalization for infidelity. It’s just an observation of what often happens in marriage.
It is possible to love your husband and not show him respect. If you correct him constantly, point out all of the things he does wrong but don’t affirm the things he does right, if you don’t treat him as the “boss” – even if he really isn’t – then you aren’t showing him respect. Use the wisdom from leadership. When giving an annual review, or bringing an employee in for corrective counseling, you should use 2 positives for each negative. When dealing with husbands, make it 3-5 positives for each negative thing you mention. A man’s ego is fragile and needs constant care to hold it together. Wives, show some respect for your husbands. You will be surprised at the change it can make in your relationship! Next week: Husbands honor your wives.