In last week’s post, found here, I spoke primarily to the women about how much respect means to their husbands. In this post, I want to focus on the men.
If you’re married, you probably know a lot of the things I’m saying. However, I see a LOT of relationships that are in trouble. There are a lot of married couples who are married on paper only. They don’t operate as a couple. There is no intimacy in their relationship. There is no “spark” left in their marriage. Remember when you were dating? How their number showing up on caller ID on the phone made your heart beat a little faster? That feeling you got when you saw them after being away for a few days? The feeling of anticipation you had for seeing each other again?
Some of the “feeling” dissipates with time and I’m not at all suggesting that love is a feeling. But I don’t believe that the feeling of love should disappear completely. I still wait with anticipation to see Penny at the end of the day. My heart still skips a beat when she shows up on my caller ID. Usually for good reasons! I enjoy spending time with her. We’re not newlyweds, but there is still a “spark” in our relationship.
The good news is that creating and maintaining this type of relationship is not rocket science. It’s not necessarily easy, but it’s not difficult either. It just requires a little effort. But anyone can do it. Here’s how.
It’s Still a Matter of Respect
Most of our problems in relationships occur because of differences. We are not only individuals who have differing world-views, but we are men and women, who see things in entirely different ways as well. I have found that a lot of the struggle in marriages crop up because of one issue. Respect. Mutual respect. You want respect? Honor your wife. You see, men can be incredibly insensitive to their wives. We don’t mean to. In fact, we don’t usually even know that we have been. It’s not intentional, and your wife knows that, but sometimes the words we use hurt. And because we’re wired differently, your words carry more weight than you know. For example, the old joke about a wife asking her husband how she looks. It can be a predicament on how to respond. It can be confusing for you, and yet she values your input. How you respond is important. The words and tone of voice carry equal weight for her. Body language matters. As men, we need to be very mindful of how our response will be received by our wives. It’s considered funny to joke about our wives and marriage. We talk about “the old ball and chain” and make jokes about “the boss”. But that’s not how Christian men are supposed to talk about their wives.
In 1 Peter 3, Peter tells us to honor our wives. “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”
This verse says that we should give our wives honor. It means that we should treat her as if she were valuable. We men don’t always honor our wives the way that we should. We don’t treat them as valuable. Oh we’ll buy them flowers once in a while – usually after we’ve done something wrong. And the size of the arrangement is usually in direct proportion to our understanding of what we did wrong. Or we show our love with big events – a cruise, a vacation, expensive jewelry or gifts. The thing is, it’s the small things that matter, not the big displays of love. We need to show her that we love her every day – not once or twice a year.
We need to understand how to treat our wives as valuable. Imagine that you owned a Ferrari. I don’t personally own one, but I think it would be pretty cool. I would keep it washed and waxed. I would put premium gas in it. I would drive it slowly through town so everyone could get a good look at it. I would keep the oil changed, make sure it got the maintenance that it needed and wouldn’t allow people to eat, drink or smoke in it. After all, I wouldn’t want to mess up the interior.
We should treat our wives a Ferraris. Make sure that they look good. Make sure they are maintained; make sure they have everything they need to function as not only wives, but as women. Just as we wouldn’t wait for the Ferrari to break down before getting maintenance done, we should not allow our wives to break down before treating them as valuable. We should anticipate their needs (and wants) and be proactive in meeting those needs.
Listen to her. I mean really listen. When she mentions something that she likes – do it or buy it, if possible – to make her happy. If she mentions something that she doesn’t like, do everything possible to make sure that that thing never crosses her path. If she likes something, even if you don’t like it, forego your personal wants to make her happy. For example, Penny likes to shop. I’m not a shopper. Like most men, I know what I want from the store before I leave the house. I go to the store, walk in and pick up what I came for, go to the register, pay and leave. I’m done in about 10 minutes and back at the house. That’s not how women do it. But if Penny wants to go shopping, I go with her. I don’t complain about going, I don’t even mention that I would rather do something else. Unless she has mentioned that she wants some alone time, I’m shopping. Why? Because she likes it. I get to spend time with her. If she is valuable, what she likes matters to me. It matters to me more than what I want. Putting premium gas in a Ferrari is inconvenient and expensive, but I do it because it is valuable and I want it to run. Making my wife happy is often inconvenient and/or expensive, but because she is valuable and I want our relationship to last, I do it. I’m not talking about being henpecked, manipulated or controlled. I’ll get into leadership in a future post. I’m talking about treating her with honor, not about being a doormat.
Watch her. If she gets up from dinner to wash the dishes, go help. There’s an old saying that sex begins in the kitchen. It’s true. Keeping her emotionally connected to you will help in the sex department. Helping her physically will keep her connected to you emotionally. An emotional connection is as important for women sexually as the physical one is for men. Help her carry groceries. Open the door for her. Constantly watch to see how you can make her life easier. Better. Treat her as valuable. I’m telling you that if women respected their husbands and men treated their wives as valuable marriage counseling as a whole would become obsolete.
I don’t have a list of do’s and don’ts. This is fluid. It requires attention. It requires an effort. But it’s worth it. Just as you want respect, your wife wants and needs honor.
So – what do you do if your wife doesn’t deserve any of this? What if she’s mean, cold, unfeeling and disrespectful to you? How do you bring yourself to treat her with such honor if she’s not worthy of that honor and love? What if the feelings are so far gone that you just don’t have it in you to treat her well? I’ll cover that in next week’s post.
1 Peter 3 carries some wisdom for wives about respect and has often been misinterpreted to give a man absolute authority over his wife. Indeed, left on its own, it does appear to do so, but when read in context it does not, in fact, talk as much about authority as it does respect.
Men need some help in life. We don’t think the same way that women do and as a consequence, we often miss it. We need some help. Our wives should be that help. What we don’t need is another mother. Men want a wife, not a mom. I hear this from men frequently—especially young men. If you are a mother, please be the best mother that you can be. To your children. Not to your husband. When a man is treated as a child, he will often begin to act like one, and resent it as well. He may not say anything, or he may get tired of repeating it, but we don’t want to be treated as children. We want to be treated as husbands.
If a man feels that you are talking down to him—not respecting him—he may do what you ask, but inside his heart will be building resentment. Deep down, all men are like little boys trying to please their wives. They want to please her, and they get a great sense of accomplishment and pride as she looks into their eyes with approval and delight. The one thing that can snuff out their joy in a moment’s notice is to put them down. To notice the things they aren’t doing, aren’t saying, aren’t completing- instead of noticing all of the good things that they are.
It is possible to love your husband and not show him respect. If you correct him constantly, point out all of the things he does wrong but don’t affirm the things he does right, if you don’t treat him as the “boss” – even if he really isn’t – then you aren’t showing him respect. Use the wisdom from leadership. When giving an annual review, or bringing an employee in for corrective counseling, you should use 2 positives for each negative. When dealing with husbands, make it 3-5 positives for each negative thing you mention. A man’s ego is fragile and needs constant care to hold it together. Wives, show some respect for your husbands. You will be surprised at the change it can make in your relationship! Next week: Husbands honor your wives.
I see earth shrink and fade into the distance as our prayers soar toward God on his throne in heaven. Somewhere out there among the stars, our prayers reach an almighty God who peers through the vastness of space and somehow hears us as individuals. That’s what makes him God. I couldn’t hear something from that distance much less recognize who it was that spoke on a distant planet in a galaxy far, far away. But God can.
It’s also wrong. God is not “out there, somewhere” listening to our prayers. In fact, he’s closer than we think and with a better understanding of our situation than we often give him credit for. Instead of thinking of God as being far away but still connected, we should think of God as being close. I was taught long ago to pray by putting an empty chair in the room, and then praying as if God was sitting in that chair. Somehow, over the years, I’ve taken God out of that chair and put him back into heaven and been content to pray as if I was talking to him long distance over the phone.
So, what’s the big deal? What does it matter if we suppose that God is a million miles away, or right there in the room with us? It matters. Have you ever felt like you had a bad connection when praying? That you had to explain things to God so that he could really understand the gravity of your prayer? Have you ever felt that if you didn’t say things exactly the right way that God may not hear your prayer? Or at least that he may not understand the right way to answer it? See, having the understanding that God is near us makes a difference. It’s the difference between calling up a good friend and explaining what happened during your accident vs having your friend in the car with you when it happened. It’s the difference between sending your Mom an email with your Christmas list vs having someone going through life with you who already knows not only what you need, but what you want as well.
God is not watching us from far away. He’s not looking down from the sky. He’s right there with us as we go through our day. Keeping this in mind as we pray and listen for his leading in our daily lives will help us relate better to him. It will help us to pray better knowing that he already knows what we’re praying about. It will help us become better at recognizing those prompts from the Holy Spirit. Keeping the proper perspective about God will help make us more aware of his presence. Even when we don’t sense it. He’s still there.
For most of my life, I could say that I had never been summoned for jury duty. Then it happened. I received the notice in the mail and called the number. I was not only summoned, I was chosen to serve on the jury. The case was not a huge deal, except to those involved. Without going into a lot of detail, the case involved whether, in the eyes of the law, a man was competent to determine his own affairs. Was he capable of caring for himself and determining his own course of action for his life? Or was he not mentally competent enough to determine what was best for himself?
Which camp do you fall into? Justice or mercy? There are certainly examples of both in the Bible. God is a God of justice.
How do we respond to issues that seem to demand justice or mercy? Do we carry a gun to shoot those who would harm us, or do we pray our way out of those situations? What is our response to homosexuals? Do we condemn them all to hell, or do we show them kindness and love? What about the people who mistreat us in life? We’ve had bosses who treated us poorly. Spouses don’t always show us the love they should. Family and friends often treat us poorly or make bad decisions and choices. Do we show them justice, or mercy?