Relationships. They are one of the most fundamental needs of humans and yet they can be so difficult. After creating man and declaring that he was “very good”, God made another observation. It was not good for the man to be alone. And so God gave Adam his counterpart. His wife. His soul mate. How many husbands can make the claim that God created their wife specifically for them? Adam got a handcrafted wife made specifically for him.
And yet even Adam and Eve made relational errors in judgement. Eve didn’t consult Adam about eating the forbidden fruit before she made such an important decision. Adam didn’t lead his wife well. He followed her in making the same mistake. In fact, what was Eve doing alone talking to a stranger in the first place? If two people who were made to go so well together had issues, what hope is there for us?
Penny
For one thing, we have years of experience – not only our own, but the experiences of others as well. I have been married to my wife, Penny, for nearly 37 years now. Just a couple of weeks ago marked the 37th anniversary of the night that I drove up to a hilltop overlooking the town we lived in and proposed to her. I would like to say that we have had 37 years of wedded bliss, but, alas, that has not been the case. Of course, most of the problems have been my fault. I’ve quit very good jobs to pursue my dreams. Moved us halfway across the country instead of providing stability. I’ve made bad decisions financially. I’ve made parenting mistakes. But 37 years later, I’m still glad that I proposed to her and that she accepted. Our relationship takes work, but it is the best that it has ever been.
That being
said, I would like to offer some observations over the next couple of posts on the relationship of marriage. Not that I’m an expert on marriage or relationships. Even “experts” have to work at their marriages. I have, however, discovered a few things over the years that have helped my relation with Penny. I have worked at making my relationship better. I have sought the counsel of others who have successful marriages. And I have made a few mistakes in the process that I have learned from. In the hopes that these observations may also be beneficial to some of you, I offer the following. Hopefully I can offer you some insight that will help you avoid some of the mistakes that I have made. I will go into greater detail over the next couple of weeks on each point. Here then are my observations:
- Men and women are different. We think differently. We view the world differently. We “feel” differently. We react to the same situation differently. We think about romance differently. We’re just different. And it’s a good thing.
- Wives want their husbands to lead. They often assume the leadership role, but they want their husbands to step up and lead them. Husbands want to lead, but often aren’t given the opportunity by their wives. They are given the option of leading, or of keeping their wife happy. They frequently choose the latter.
- Husbands want a wife, not another mother. If you’re a mother, they want you to be a great one – but not theirs. Wives don’t really want to be like their mother. Or any other woman for that matter.
- Your words carry weight. For the husband, it is a matter of respect. For the wife it’s a matter of communication. Body language means as much to women as the words that are spoken. Sometimes it means more than the words. Husbands don’t know what body language is. Sometimes they don’t even understand the words. And his ego is generally more fragile than his wife’s.
- A wife is reflected by her world. How she looks, for example, or how clean the house is, is often a reflection of how she feels. Her self-esteem is easily broken and we men often step on her feelings more than we intend to. A husband is typically reflected by what he does. Not only his occupation, but his hobbies and interests as well. And his self-esteem is easily broken as well.
These are just a few of the observations that I have made over the years. I’ll go into more detail in the weeks that follow. Let me know what you think. Anything you would add?
When I was studying to get my ministerial license, I learned a valuable lesson. Not every good thing is a God thing. Let me explain. See, I was working a couple of part-time jobs in order to make ends meet. I would get off from my 3rd shift job and come home to study for a few hours before going to bed. I was involved in the church as well, leading a small group in my home, leading the youth worship team and playing on the adult worship team. I played on the church softball team. There were also all of the things I had to do at home – mow the lawn, prepare for the small group, find music for the youth worship team. Not to mention spending time with my wife and children. And then there was work. We had friends that we needed to spend time with, shopping that needed done etc.
It seemed that I was always running somewhere to get to the next meeting, or to work, or to church for the next thing that was happening or to meet someone. Then I heard something that transformed my life. I learned the word “no”. But weren’t all of the things I was doing good? Working a job was good. Leading worship was good. Leading a small group was good. Being with friends was good. Going to church was good. Softball, paintball and hunting were all good. There wasn’t anything in my life that I could point to and say “I shouldn’t be doing that. It’s not good.”
Have you discovered your purpose? In all of the busyness in life, are you involved in things that may be good, but not necessarily God? What are you involved in that you need to say “no” to? When someone calls with an urgent need, do you evaluate it for purpose? When some new thing pops up in your life, do you evaluate it based on your purpose? Are there things that are sucking time away from what you should be focusing on instead of things that you feel the need to be focusing your time on? Are there good things that you are doing that someone else could do instead? Maybe even someone who’s purpose is to do that very thing. With all of the “hurriedness” of everyday life, let’s not get trapped in the revolving door of reaction based action. Not every good thing is a God thing. At least not for you.
sinful activity and do our best to avoid it, but we are still tempted, and, sometimes, we give in. That’s where grace comes in. As Christians, we understand the concept of grace. Non-Christians don’t. It’s difficult for someone who isn’t familiar with the character of God, or for someone who has a distorted view of the character of God, to understand the concept of grace. The concept that not only would the victim of this crime (God) substitute his own son to pay the penalty for your crime, but that he would then adopt you as his own child as well. It just doesn’t make sense to a non-Christian.
With the general focus on politics right now, all of us have been subjected recently to the onslaught of commercials, debates, commentaries on debates and name-calling that has become a part of the political machine in America. It’s interesting to me that Jesus wasn’t much interested in politics, but the people around him were. He was questioned about the morality of paying taxes to a secular government that tolerated, at best, the religious nature of some of its citizens. The question was political in nature and was meant to trap Jesus into speaking against the current secular government.
How often do we fall into the same mindset? My Facebook page is littered with Christian friends who support both Democrats and Republicans and who are convinced that the hope for our nation is in whoever gets elected to the office of President. How often do you see something to the effect that we should allow prayer in schools again? How often has it been said that this country was founded on Christian principles and we need to get back to them? I’ve even seen a post that said that if only the Christians who didn’t vote would get out and vote that we could turn this country around. How many of you reading this believe some, or all of these things?
Jesus didn’t come to restore our kingdom. He came to establish his kingdom. In the grand scheme of things, our kingdom is unimportant. It’s irrelevant to God’s bigger picture. Oh, it’s important to us. But it’s far less important to God. Should we vote then? Absolutely! Jesus never advocated that we become passive about politics. He did advocate that we keep a proper perspective. When discussing our needs with his disciples, Jesus said that we should first of all seek his kingdom. Everything else would fall into place if we kept a proper perspective. Since we are citizens of heaven, our job is not to campaign for the next political party. Our job is to campaign for the true King. Let’s stop trying to build our kingdom. Let’s help God build his. Let’s do a better job of recruiting for the only party that will make a lasting difference in not only our nation, but the world. The kingdom of God. Make disciples.
One of the things that we like to do as Christians is to pray for an “open door” when faced with a situation that we don’t like. We want God to spiritually, or even physically, open up a new opportunity in order to remove us from the situation in which we find ourselves. An open door may be a new job so that we can get out of the job we now have. If not a new job, it may be an open door to a new opportunity in our workplace because we feel that we are underpaid or that our abilities are not being utilized or that we are no longer challenged. It may be a new relationship because the relationship we’re in is less than fulfilling. We may pray for an open door to a new church because the church we are in doesn’t appreciate us, or we feel that we are underutilized or we aren’t “being fed”.
Let’s look at an example. In Genesis 21, we have the story of Hagar and Ishmael being sent away by Abraham. God had promised Abraham a son, and so Abraham had tried to make it happen by sleeping with his wife’s servant. He did indeed have a son, but after the birth of Isaac, the son which God had promised him, Sarah, Abraham’s wife, insisted that Hagar, her servant and Ishmael, the son of Hagar and Abraham, be sent away.
Instead of praying for God to open a door for us to escape our less than favorable circumstances, why not pray that God would open our eyes to see the answers that may already be right there in front of us. We just can’t see them. What if, instead of removing us from that lousy job situation, God were to open our eyes to see the co-worker who desperately needs the encouragement we give daily? Or the department that needs the knowledge that we have? What if, instead of removing us from a bad relationship God were to open our eyes to see the spouse who still believes in us? What if he were to allow us to see the spiritual forces at work to preserve our marriage? What if God were to open our eyes to the way he is working on our lives every day? Would that change the way we pray? I think it would. What do you think?