I was thinking recently about my spiritual journey. I have seen some amazing things during my nearly 35 years as a Christian. I was thinking about a particular period when God seemed as close to me as any flesh and blood person. Christians like to call this a “mountain top” experience. During this time in my life, God spoke to me in a way that would seem scary to some people. In fact, there were times when I myself questioned my very sanity.
I remember being in times of worship and opening my eyes to see a literal “fog” of God’s presence. I remember mowing the lawn and praying – holding a real conversation with God – on topics not related to spiritual things. We discussed my job, my family, friends who were also going through some tough financial times. We talked.
A group of us would gather at 5:45 am on Thursdays to pray. I had a young man who would come home with us after church on Wednesdays and spend the night because he wanted to go to prayer on Thursday morning and he lived quite a ways from the church. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of ethereal singing. I assumed that this young man was playing the radio and had forgotten to turn it off. I crept into the living room, where he was asleep on the couch, to turn the music off so it would not wake anyone else up, only to discover that the sound was coming from outside the house. I listened to voices singing “alleluia” for nearly an hour before it faded away. Lest you think that someone was having an outdoor concert, we lived in a fairly remote area, and this was around 2 am on a Wednesday, not a weekend. No one lived close enough to have played music outdoors that we could have heard at my house. Besides, the sound was kind of warbly. It wasn’t the same as someone singing through a sound system or a radio playing loudly. I have always thought that I heard actual angels singing.
I remember a time as I was leading corporate worship when something unusual happened. I had my eyes closed as I worshiped. Suddenly the number of voices in the room singing seemed to double. The volume went up. The tone of the singing changed. I thought that some late-comers must have joined us, or that some members of church meeting on the other side of the building had come in and joined us in worship. As the worship ended and I opened my eyes, I saw only our regular group of worshipers. And I wasn’t the only one who heard it. People were looking around asking “What was that? Did you hear that?”. Again, we all agree that what we heard were angels joining us in worship.
During that period of my life, God seemed so close. Real. He was very personal. I received my call into ministry during that period in my life. I told God “no”. I had a great job, I made a lot of money. Why would I quit a career like I had to go into ministry? After all, my Dad was a pastor. I knew what ministry was like. He told me to go into ministry on a Wednesday night. I told him I had a great job that I wouldn’t quit to go into ministry. I was a salesman who sold 80% of the company’s business and had just landed a job worth 2.8 million dollars. That job alone kept a shift running every week and would have doubled my salary. Like Gideon, that great man of faith, I asked God for a sign. He gave me one. I was laid off on Friday.
That time of my life was certainly not normal. In hindsight, it was kind of weird. And yet, I find myself longing for that kind of relationship with God again. While God is not silent, I do not hear him speak like I did then. As I worship now, I do not experience the glory of God like I did then. I have never heard angelic singing since that time. I find myself longing for the good ol’ days. I have this Norman Rockwell – like image of this segment of my spiritual journey that draws me back to a better time. The struggles of that period of my life pale in comparison to the spiritual high I lived in. During this time in my life when God was the closest was also the same period in my life that I experienced the most struggle. I lost my job and didn’t go into ministry immediately. We struggled financially. I struggled with my call. I knew I supposed to be in ministry, but was unfulfilled because I was not able to pursue my passion. I lived in constant frustration. I was bitter and miserable. Ask my wife. Yes, those “good ol’ days” were not all good. But there are aspects of the past that I miss.
As I pondered this recently, wishing I could go back and experience some of that again, God spoke to me. Not audibly, but I heard him speak my language. He spoke XBOX. Only God could relate to me in XBOX language. You see, I enjoy playing video games. My day off is spent in relaxation saving the world from the many evils that confront it. There in my fantasy world, I become the hero who saves the day. Blasting my way through anything that stands between myself and victory, I become immersed in a world where I am not an overweight, middle-aged man. I am young. I am strong. I am a hero. But it wasn’t always like this. I was alive in a time before video games. I remember the first video game – Pong. It consisted of two vertical bars on each edge of the screen and a square “ball” that you bounced back and forth between the bars. As video games progressed, the gameplay became more immersive. I remember playing games like Frogger, Asteroids, and Centipede. The games progressed, so that by the time I was experiencing this great move of God in my life, I was playing games like Zelda and Contra. I would spend hours playing a game with square bushes and characters who only moved North, South, East and West. I would save the world using a gun that shot a stream of balls from the barrel and two-dimensional characters that could only move in one direction and jump over pixellated hills. And yet I became enthralled with the gameplay. I can’t tell you how many hours I spent actually enjoying these games.
Jump to now. The gameplay is realistic. The characters move in a three-dimensional world filled with not only bad guys, but vehicles that can be driven, various weapons that can be picked up, aliens that actually look frightening. None of these Pac-Man “ghosts” anymore! As much as I enjoyed playing the games I played in the 80’s, I don’t long for the “good ol’ days” of Atari. I have progressed. I have matured. Something better is available.
The same is true of my relationship with God. As much as I enjoyed the presence of God in the 80’s, my relationship has progressed. It has matured. I have something different, but in may ways, better. I am different. God is still the same, but I am different now. I have experienced some real-life battles that have weathered me. They have created some scars from wounds that have healed. And just as my interaction with the game console has changed, my interaction with God has changed.
Today, I am in full-time ministry. I have moved beyond my initial calling of music ministry to become the Executive Pastor of a thriving, growing church. I can help initiate the change that needs to happen in the church. I can watch as people grow in their faith and relationship with God and know that I had a part in creating the environment for that growth to take place. Why should I long for the good ol’ days? These are the good ol’ days. No, these are not the days of my youth, but they are the best days of my life. They really are. My faith in God no longer requires that I hear angels singing. I still experience God, but much like the gameplay has progressed in the last 30 years, my relationship with God has progressed as well. Both have matured.
Do you find yourself looking to the past to bring value to your present? Is your self-esteem wrapped up in past accomplishments? Is your self-worth found in someone you were 10 years ago? Stop looking at the past to validate your present. Nostalgia is not so much longing for the cake as it is the joy of eating it all over again. Remember that someday, these will be the good ol’ days you miss. Make the most of today.